woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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