why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
