WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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