I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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