Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
