I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
