I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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