Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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