i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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