I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
