captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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