I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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