I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
