Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
