friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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