Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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