Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
