i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
