the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
