the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
