I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
