I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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