i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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