is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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