remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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