I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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