if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
