clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
