Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
