He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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