ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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