so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
