Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
farters have to be the big spoon...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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