This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
