Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
