I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
