My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
