tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
