what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
