So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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