By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
