I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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