we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's just like the Real World with babies
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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