i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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