dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
