Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
