Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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