You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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