does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm passing your future prison.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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