finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
