My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
