You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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