i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
